Angel Baby

I have dreaded writing this but I feel strongly that I need to. I know so many people have gone through this and their stories and words of comfort helped me. I am grateful for the love and support of our family at this hard time in our lives and I find peace and comfort in the gospel of Jesus Christ. On October 26th we found out we were pregnant. The joy we felt was completing. Our family was growing, we were going to be parents. On November 20th we had our first and only ultra sound. There was no heart beat, and the baby had stopped growing at 4 weeks. The pain and anguish we felt is not something I can describe and I would never wish it upon any one. I feel grateful to have a husband who holds me when I cry and who will always be there for me. I felt like I had so much to say to my baby that would never come so I wrote my angel a letter.

Dear Angel Baby,

The moment I saw those two pink lines I fell hard and fast. I loved you more than I will ever be able to put down into words. My entire life has been about getting to that moment. The point when I could say “I am a mother.” I cherished ever bout of nausea, stab of heart burn and every single trip to the bathroom to once again pee. It just meant you were growing big and strong with in me. I dreamed of the day I would hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face and tell you I love you.

Your dad and I stayed up late many nights talking about how excited we were to be your parents. We spent countless hours trying to find you a perfect name and thought of all the things we would teach you as you grew up. When we went to the doctor I was so excited to see your tiny heart beating. The silence and empty hole on the ultra sound screen was the worst 5 minutes of my life. You were ripped away from us. How do we say goodbye before having a chance to properly say hello?

My heart aches knowing your sweet spirit and laughter will never brighten our home here on earth. I yearn to know if you would have had your daddy’s dimple and my blue eyes; what your voice would have sounded like, what it would have felt like to hold you against my chest. I grieve for our loss, the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. I know this is not something a person gets over and forgets. Please know you have a safe place in my heart, where I will always cherish you, and the joy you have brought me these past 7 weeks. I may never hold you in my arms but I have carried you, and will continue to do so always.

I take solace knowing you are among angels and with a Father in Heaven who loves you so completely. Please know there are many people here who love you  and you will never be forgotten. The day we found out we were going to be parents will forever be one of the greatest days of my life, and the day we lost you: the worst. I love you Angel Baby.

Love forever and always,

Your mom

We are healing and every day gets better. It’s crazy to think this all took place less than two weeks ago. It honestly feels like months have occurred. While I wish we never had to go through this, I do know it will make me stronger and hopefully more empathetic with the trials others have gone through. I hope to grow and become a better wife, daughter, mother, sister, and friend. I am sorry this isn’t the happiest of posts but I know experiences liken these are what help us truly treasure then good moments in life. I know that when I do hold my precious baby for the first time it will be that much sweeter.


What I have Learned in the First 17.5 Months of Marriage.

Marriage is absolutely nothing like I imagined it to be….. its a whole lot better :) There were, however, a lot of things to get use to! So far here is a bit of what I have learned:

The direction toilet paper goes on the holder is NOT a good reason to get into an argument.

Every night really is like having a sleep over with you best friend.

Date nights are even more important now, then they were when we were dating/engaged.

Asking these three questions every night before bed: What was the worst part of your day? The best part of your day? and How can I make you feel more loved? can stop future fights, and start wonderful conversations.

The phrase “I’m sorry” will never go out of style.

My husband is willing to “Kill all of the people” when I wake him up in the middle of the night out of paranoia.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Killing each other is not an option, and even when we are mad at each other I love him more than anything.

Loyalty and Trust are the two greatest things we can practice in marriage. It makes the rest easy.

If you let them, men wont shave. Ever. Kissing sandpaper is never fun.

Coming home to the person you loved and dinner on the table is what happiness is all about,

Our goals and dreams for the future seem much more attainable when we are on the same page.

At times we take each other for granted. I hate this about marriage.

It gets harder…. but more fun to surprise each other.

It’s easier to change your self, then to try and force your spouse change. Be the wife you want to be, don’t try and create the husband you think you want.

You know you are loved when your husband holds your hair when your puking from food poisoning.

I still miss him when I have been at work all day and haven’t seen him.

The two nights I have had to sleep apart from him were horrible.

He lied to me when we were engaged…. he does snore. (Don’t worry I forgave him)

He has realized that there is a price to my long hair. as he finds it every where.

We never run out of things to talk about.

Sometimes boys smell bad. Really bad.

Garren gets the most amazing bed head I have ever seen. Please bless this trait is passed on to our children…. The pictures will be epic.

I’ve wanted a baby since I got my first doll… getting married makes that desire much greater.

I am spoiled. Garren rubs my head every night to help me fall asleep.

Finally I married the most amazing man in the world. Pretty sure the most common phrase he says to me besides “I love you” is “What can I do to help.” He is always serious, and ALWAYS willing to do whatever its i need. Including letting me try 5 different colors of nail polish on his nails so I could decide which I wanted to wear. This list could go on forever, and will continue to grow though out the years. marriage is definitely the greatest adventure I have ever embarked on.