Angel Baby

I have dreaded writing this but I feel strongly that I need to. I know so many people have gone through this and their stories and words of comfort helped me. I am grateful for the love and support of our family at this hard time in our lives and I find peace and comfort in the gospel of Jesus Christ. On October 26th we found out we were pregnant. The joy we felt was completing. Our family was growing, we were going to be parents. On November 20th we had our first and only ultra sound. There was no heart beat, and the baby had stopped growing at 4 weeks. The pain and anguish we felt is not something I can describe and I would never wish it upon any one. I feel grateful to have a husband who holds me when I cry and who will always be there for me. I felt like I had so much to say to my baby that would never come so I wrote my angel a letter.

Dear Angel Baby,

The moment I saw those two pink lines I fell hard and fast. I loved you more than I will ever be able to put down into words. My entire life has been about getting to that moment. The point when I could say “I am a mother.” I cherished ever bout of nausea, stab of heart burn and every single trip to the bathroom to once again pee. It just meant you were growing big and strong with in me. I dreamed of the day I would hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face and tell you I love you.

Your dad and I stayed up late many nights talking about how excited we were to be your parents. We spent countless hours trying to find you a perfect name and thought of all the things we would teach you as you grew up. When we went to the doctor I was so excited to see your tiny heart beating. The silence and empty hole on the ultra sound screen was the worst 5 minutes of my life. You were ripped away from us. How do we say goodbye before having a chance to properly say hello?

My heart aches knowing your sweet spirit and laughter will never brighten our home here on earth. I yearn to know if you would have had your daddy’s dimple and my blue eyes; what your voice would have sounded like, what it would have felt like to hold you against my chest. I grieve for our loss, the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. I know this is not something a person gets over and forgets. Please know you have a safe place in my heart, where I will always cherish you, and the joy you have brought me these past 7 weeks. I may never hold you in my arms but I have carried you, and will continue to do so always.

I take solace knowing you are among angels and with a Father in Heaven who loves you so completely. Please know there are many people here who love you  and you will never be forgotten. The day we found out we were going to be parents will forever be one of the greatest days of my life, and the day we lost you: the worst. I love you Angel Baby.

Love forever and always,

Your mom

We are healing and every day gets better. It’s crazy to think this all took place less than two weeks ago. It honestly feels like months have occurred. While I wish we never had to go through this, I do know it will make me stronger and hopefully more empathetic with the trials others have gone through. I hope to grow and become a better wife, daughter, mother, sister, and friend. I am sorry this isn’t the happiest of posts but I know experiences liken these are what help us truly treasure then good moments in life. I know that when I do hold my precious baby for the first time it will be that much sweeter.

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10 thoughts on “Angel Baby

  1. I’m soo sorry, I def. know what you’re going through, before we had Claire we lost 2 and it was rough each time. I remember being so scared when I got prego with Claire because the thought was still in my mind that I could lose her, just don’t let it discourage you, you will have all your children with you in heaven that’s what would give me comfort. I know everyone is different at grieving but it helped me to talk to people who had been through the same thing. You will be awesome parents one day, and it will happen :)

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  2. It’s NEVER ever easy to lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. But I do know losing one between 6-8 weeks was far easier for me than carrying my 1st son full term, 12 days overdue actually, then having a C-section & him dying 25 hours after birth & he weighed 9# 3 oz. That
    forever changed my life ! But he is waiting to see me in heaven & I await hearing him say hello mom I have missed you ! Then I had another son, and when he was 3 I lost yet another. Then had my last son who is now 27. So 4 tries for 2 healthy sons. And that’s when I said DONE !
    Blessed for those 2 men in my life now ! However, burying a son was a major turning point
    for me. Took me a year to get over it, and although one truly never forgets, the pain does ease.
    I too have 2 angel babies !

    Garren’s aunt Donna in NC

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  3. I was saddened to read your post. I am so sorry about your loss. We lost our Aubrea when she was 17 years old. I don’t think it matters how old a child is, as a parent you mourn the seperation. It has been almost seven years now. My heart still aches. We went to the temple today. I stood at the door of the celestial room waiting for the sister I was escorting to enter in, The thought came to me that Aubrea is standing at the door of heaven… waiting for me. Someday, my sweet daughter… just not yet. We will keep you in our prayers. We are so grateful for the plan of salvation. A kind and loving Heavenly Father has so graciously given us this knowledge. We love you! Aunt Lorree and Uncle Roger

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  4. What a beautiful letter for your little one. It definitely brought me to tears! I’m so sorry that you have to go through such a hard trial. I’ll keep you and Garren in my prayers!

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  5. I’ve had three miscarriages I feel your pain:( good luck Garren and Larissa. It gets better I promise but it takes a while:( Lean on each other that’s the best thing to help the pain. And crying.

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  6. Pingback: Faith | History in the Making

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