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Separation Anxiety

So ever since we got married the most amount of time we have spent apart is one night. Yes I have been very spoiled. I am now on night number two (out of three) of our current separation. Garren is in Virginia to interview for Shenandoah University’s Physical Therapy program. It’s an amazing program and we are so blessed to have this opportunity.

Garren is one of the hardest workers I have ever met and his optimistic spirit is exactly why I needed to marry him. I am a worrier. I get migraines from stress and tend to freak out. A lot. With every thing that has happened in our lives the past month or so I have been slowly unraveling. To be honest it’s frightening. I have been ‘depressed’ before and have always suffered from anxiety, however, this has been different. I haven’t known how to cope with losing something so precious and real. I’ve read so many amazing talks from General Authorities, spent hours on my knee’s talking to my Father in Heaven, and obviously spent a good amount of time crying. This has all helped tremendously but some where along the way I forgot to hope.

I spent so much time grieving this definite separation from our child that I forgot to look forward. This is why the man I married has literally saved me. He never loses that eternal perspective and when he tells me that we are not far away from holding our baby in our arms I can’t not believe him. He has taught me that this is not something I have to get over, it’s something that will help me move forward and bring me closer to obtaining Christ-like attributes. The moment I was told I lost my baby I gained empathy for 25% of the female population. Can you believe that? 25% of women will miscarry. I can’t tell you how many times I have registered women at work who were going through this exact thing. Yes, I have always felt bad for them, but my heart never truly understood.

I know everything happens for a reason, and while I still have moments when I ask why me? Why our first baby? I will never doubt that I am very loved by both people here on earth and beyond the veil.

Any way, Garren’s travels didn’t go as planned today but he never got stressed or sounded upset. He just kept telling me not to worry; he was sure it would all work out. He was right. He is now sleeping soundly at a very kind Bishop’s house in Virginia. He will wake up and rock his interview tomorrow and Wednesday he is coming home to me! I will finally have my husband back for three precious weeks before his next (and final undergrad) semester begins :)

 

I love technology, even from thousands of miles away I get to see and talk to this cute face.

Google Hangout :)

Google Hangout :)

 

P.S Garren was offered another interview in New Jersey AND he gets to do it on the phone. Blessings.

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Trials and Friendship

So I have this best friend. She is my best friend in the entire universe ( besides my wonderful husband Garren). We have been friends since the day I move to Cedar City  almost 9 years ago. ( Yes we celebrate our anniversary every year)

She has been there for me through every break up and heart ache, the death of close family members, crazy trips around the US and a life altering trip to Africa.

Kendra (Eugene) Haynie is a huge blessing in my life. She is currently Sister Haynie serving Houston, Texas. Prior to her mission, she was my personal missionary. I didn’t go to church, or have a testimony when I first moved here. She showed me the way to true and ever lasting joy. She helped me find a testimony of my own.

Losing our baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Kendra not being here almost made it harder. However, she is amazing and knows exactly what to to write  to make me look up; to see and feel Heavenly Father’s great love for me. She helped me understand my baby is not lost, but is loved and well cared for.

I am so proud of her for serving a mission and can’t wait till I get to hug her again. Also every one write her a letter:

Sister Kendra Haynie
5303 Atascocita Rd. #426
Humble, Tx 77346

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This is us in high school!

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We have a lot of water fights....

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Wedding day!

In other news Garren was offered another interview at the University of Rhode Island! We are so excited for these wonderful opportunities. It better snow soon Christmas is two weeks away!

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Angel Baby

I have dreaded writing this but I feel strongly that I need to. I know so many people have gone through this and their stories and words of comfort helped me. I am grateful for the love and support of our family at this hard time in our lives and I find peace and comfort in the gospel of Jesus Christ. On October 26th we found out we were pregnant. The joy we felt was completing. Our family was growing, we were going to be parents. On November 20th we had our first and only ultra sound. There was no heart beat, and the baby had stopped growing at 4 weeks. The pain and anguish we felt is not something I can describe and I would never wish it upon any one. I feel grateful to have a husband who holds me when I cry and who will always be there for me. I felt like I had so much to say to my baby that would never come so I wrote my angel a letter.

Dear Angel Baby,

The moment I saw those two pink lines I fell hard and fast. I loved you more than I will ever be able to put down into words. My entire life has been about getting to that moment. The point when I could say “I am a mother.” I cherished ever bout of nausea, stab of heart burn and every single trip to the bathroom to once again pee. It just meant you were growing big and strong with in me. I dreamed of the day I would hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face and tell you I love you.

Your dad and I stayed up late many nights talking about how excited we were to be your parents. We spent countless hours trying to find you a perfect name and thought of all the things we would teach you as you grew up. When we went to the doctor I was so excited to see your tiny heart beating. The silence and empty hole on the ultra sound screen was the worst 5 minutes of my life. You were ripped away from us. How do we say goodbye before having a chance to properly say hello?

My heart aches knowing your sweet spirit and laughter will never brighten our home here on earth. I yearn to know if you would have had your daddy’s dimple and my blue eyes; what your voice would have sounded like, what it would have felt like to hold you against my chest. I grieve for our loss, the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. I know this is not something a person gets over and forgets. Please know you have a safe place in my heart, where I will always cherish you, and the joy you have brought me these past 7 weeks. I may never hold you in my arms but I have carried you, and will continue to do so always.

I take solace knowing you are among angels and with a Father in Heaven who loves you so completely. Please know there are many people here who love you  and you will never be forgotten. The day we found out we were going to be parents will forever be one of the greatest days of my life, and the day we lost you: the worst. I love you Angel Baby.

Love forever and always,

Your mom

We are healing and every day gets better. It’s crazy to think this all took place less than two weeks ago. It honestly feels like months have occurred. While I wish we never had to go through this, I do know it will make me stronger and hopefully more empathetic with the trials others have gone through. I hope to grow and become a better wife, daughter, mother, sister, and friend. I am sorry this isn’t the happiest of posts but I know experiences liken these are what help us truly treasure then good moments in life. I know that when I do hold my precious baby for the first time it will be that much sweeter.