The last two months have been some of the most trying months of our lives. However they have also been filled with so much love and enlightenment. While I pray I never need to go through this trial again, I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life, mostly my best friend/husband and the lessons I have learned about empathy, faith and myself.
In the past whenever I heard someone had miscarried I instantly felt sad for them. However, I also, naively, thought to myself “at least they can try again, they must be so strong to have been given this trial, and that will never happen to me” .
When people heard we had lost our baby they were automatically there to comfort us and give us advice as to why this happened. We got a lot of “This is God’s plan for you, every thing happens for a reason, and that I will have a baby one day very soon and to not lose hope.” Now let me be clear, these are the same things I would have said had I been the one offering comfort and they are 100% true. I am so aware and in awe of the fact that my Father in Heaven knows who I am and loves me so very much. Unfortunately I found myself struggling with these comforting words. It just wasn’t something I needed nor wanted to hear while going through this.
I hated myself for this. I know that everyone was coming from a very loving and optimistic place. Well I was reading in the bible one night and I came to John 11. If you are unfamiliar, this is the story of Lazarus. I was stuck straight to my core as I read verse 35 that reads ” Jesus wept.” These two words have taught me so much about empathy. As I looked back I realized the most comforting words people said to me were “I am so sorry”. Jesus didn’t try to give them a lesson about God’s plan, or life after death to his sisters. He knew they not only knew but also believed those sweet principles of the gospel. He simply wept and shared their grief with them.
Some times life is really hard, and we are tested past the limits we once thought we could handle. Grief is such an important step to recovering from these trials. Please understand that I am not mad or ungrateful for the beautiful words every one has said to me, as I know we are so very loved. I have just realized in my own life how to approach those who are grieving and when is the right time to offer advice and when it is simply necessary to grieve with some one.
I am so happy to say that I am doing much better. I still have moments, even days when I am consumed by the sadness and desire to have my baby, however most days I am just so grateful to have a loving husband and the knowledge of a Father in Heaven and an Elder brother who has given his life for me.
We are currently waiting to hear back from grad schools, and to hopefully be accepted off the wait list for Shenandoah University. This is definitely a test of my patience but I do believe I am getting much better at doing my best and handing the rest over to the Lord. I can’t control everything, much to my dismay, and sometimes faith is all we truly need.
Garren and I are also doing FABULOUS at going to the gym and eating healthy. Thanks to skinnytaste.com and myfitnesspal.com I have lost 7lbs so far. HECK YES